Utopia Vet Clinic
Press 01 to schedule an appointment for your pet.
Press 02 to have your pet seen immediately.
Press 03 to speak directly to the veterinarian.
Press 04 to obtain the veterinarian's home telephone number.
Press 05 to tell a receptionist or technician your life history, as well as your pet's.
Press 06 to yell at a receptionist or technician.
Press 07 to yell at the veterinarian.
Press 08 to disagree with the veterinarian's diagnosis or treatment plan because you read something different on the Internet.
Press 09 to ask the same question 30 times just in case the answer might change.
Press 10 if you feel your pet's condition is more important than the emergency patient the veterinarian is currently seeing.
Press 11 if your pet's condition has persisted 6 months but has suddenly become an emergency and needs to seen this evening because you are going on vacation tomorrow.
Press 12 if your pet hasn't eaten in 10 days and you've only just become concerned.
Press 13 if you are angry because you declined all treatments and your pet is now declining rapidly.
Press 14 to determine if your pet's condition is serious enough to be seen immediately. If it is after midnight, our team of experts will be standing by to debate the issue with you for as long as it takes to agree it can wait until tomorrow.
Press 15 if your dog hasn't had a bowel movement in more than 8 days, you've only just become concerned, have no money and you just want free advice over the phone.
Press 16 to demand immediate treatment but would like us to hold your check until next month.
Press 17 if you would like to post date a previously post-dated check.
Press 18 if you need to bring in 10 unvaccinated puppies with vomiting and diarrhea and you'll only have $20 in your pocket.
Press 19 if you plan to arrive at our surgery facility in a new Jaguar XJS but can only pay for routine vaccinations at $5 a month.
Press 20 if you got a puppy from the shelter, it has come down with parvo, and you are extremely angry that no veterinarian will treat it for free.
Press 21 if you want to know if you can refer a friend who "rescues" elderly, sick pets from euthanasia and want to know if she will get a multi pet discount.
Press 22 if you still consider the cat you've owned for 10 years a stray because now it is sick.
Press 23 if you would like to euthanize a pet that you cannot afford to take care of.
Press 24 to find out our busiest times, so that you can ensure that when you show up without an appointment and demand to be seen, maximum chaos will ensue.
Press 25 if you are not a client but were referred by a "good friend" and you want to call the veterinarian at home in the early morning as she is trying to get ready for work and get her kid up for school as you can talk about your pet who has been seen by another veterinarian but is not getting better and you want to set up an appointment with her for a second opinion but first you want to know how much for an exam fee.
Press 26 if you would like to call the veterinarian at home after hours on his/her day off to discuss whether your pet's problem is worth bothering the veterinarian who is on call (at your normal practice).
Press 27 if you want us to trim the nails on your aggressive 100lb dog.
Press 28 if your reptilian pet has been living in an incredibly small tank in a cold dark room and has not eaten for 60 days, despite you having offered it several types of chocolate and potato chips.
Press 29 if your pet has removed its bandage because you took off the E-collar, even though we explicitly requested you leave it on.
Press 30 if you think people have been coming into your house at night and pulling out your cat's teeth (this happened!)
Press 31 if you think that your dog is suicidal. (True story.)
Press 32 if, even after three previous phone calls in which you were told that we are a Veterinary Hospital and DO NOT sell parrots, you still need clarification of the matter.
Press 33 if you are allergic to electricity and want all the electric equipment turned off while you are in the clinic. (seriously?)
Press 34 if you want to know what type of home medical care you need to give your dead rabbit when you pick it up.
Press 35 if you would like an appointment to strip in the exam room to show the veterinarian (pick one):
1) your skin rash/sores that you think are caused by your pet,
2) your current surgery incisions to see whether they are healing
properly and whether or not the veterinarian thinks that the human surgeon did the surgery properly,
3) your old surgery/battle scars so you can boast what a tough person you are and why your pet doesn't need pain meds for its
pending surgical procedure,
4) your skin lumps to see if the veterinarian thinks they need to be removed, and whether or not the veterinarian would be willing to remove them instead of going to your human doctor.
Press 36 if your unspayed 10-year old dog has been in labor for over 2 days (when you suddenly realized she was pregnant), and you now suspect something's wrong.
Press 37 if your "rockwilder got the mange".
Press 38 if your 200lb Newfie has ingested 5 Hershey's kisses and you're worried he will die.
Press 39 if you've already given your kitten Tylenol and want to know if it was the right thing to do.
Press 40 if your dog was neutered 6 weeks ago and you are angry because the testicles were removed.
Press 41 if your dog got into your stash of pot but you don't want to admit it for fear of what we'll "think" of you.
Press 42 if you want your dog to be spayed but want the doctor to come to the house and crawl under the porch to do it because she will not come out.
Press 43 if "Cost isn't a concern!" because you don't intend on paying.
Press 45 if you're interested in having your cat "spaded".